Harry Potter and the Mission of Life version 2
by little red3
Summary: ITS BACK! After improper rating and deletion from the site....Harry Potter is back trying to complete a new mission in life...finding love. Meanwhile, Voldemort is trying to cope with the past, but the only way he can is if he gets what he wanted. R&R!!!!
1. Bedtime Follies

Authors Note: This story is supposed to take place in Harry's 6th year. The first two chapters are strictly about Harry, but after that it's about some secrets Voldemort has kept hidden for years.  
  
Chapter One- Bedtime Follies  
  
Harry Potter lay in bed, having, as opposed to most, a wonderful dream.  
  
A hazy room whirled around him, a voice was caressing his ears  
  
"Harry, I need to tell you that I." whispered the voice tenderly. It sounded oddly familiar to him. (Foreshadowing???)  
  
BANG! BANG! BANG!  
  
Harry awoke with a start to find Vernon Dursley staring at him. He had obviously been knocking on the door until he decided to lug his fat ass in there all by himself  
  
"I've been hearing you all night boy," said Vernon breathlessly. "Talking in your sleep. Moaning." (If you know HP well, you should realize that this particular line is in book five, but said by Dudley. It's a funny line so I used it. But is not plagiarism.)  
  
"What do you mean?" said Harry. But he knew. He had a warm sensation all over his body, still recalling the blissful dream.  
  
"Maybe you ought to take care of that," said Vernon with a superior look on his face, pointing at Harry's privates.  
  
Harry now knew where the warm sensation was coming from.  
  
After Vernon left, Harry decided to finish the "job" the dream had started. When in Rome...(you know what I mean)  
  
Minutes later, Vernon could still hear Harry stuck in boyhood fantasies. Loud fantasies. He banged on the wall and yelled  
  
"Boy! What are you doing in there?!"  
  
He heard a muffled reply through the wall.  
  
"Something.uhhhh..Something.ohhh.SOMETHING M-M-M-MAGICAL!!!"  
  
Harry needed some tissue.  
  
Although Vernon didn't allow the "m" word in his house, he'd let it slide this time.his first time jerkin' it had been pretty magical too.  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: Due to Harry's boring summer (which mainly consists of eating, masturbating, sleeping, masturbating, watching TV, masturbating, being oppressed by muggles and masturbating) we are going to skip to the day Harry leaves for Hogwarts.  
  
Harry awoke on September 1st to realize that he's finally going back to school! Not only would he be learning new things, seeing his friends, and all around being liked, the English fascination with blowjobs was a definite highlight. Besides he was going to get the person he has loved since he first arrived at Hogwarts.  
  
"Neville." Harry whispered to himself, with a smile on his face and a tightening in his pants.  
  
Harry traipsed down the stairs trying to imagine Her Majesty, the Queen in a wet t-shirt contest to make his enormous boner disappear. Yes, along with the scar and powers that Voldemort had left with Harry when he attempted to kill him, Voldemort had blessed him with the famous "Slytherin Monster". Harry had a huge wanker.  
  
"Maybe Neville will like me more if knew how well endowed I am" Harry wondered to himself.  
  
LOOK FORWARD TO CHAPTER TWO!!! HERMIONE'S NEW LOOK!!!  
  
Well kids, until next time, keep on masturbating. Or trucking, if that's what you're into. 


	2. Hermione's New Look

Chapter Two: Hermione's New Look  
  
Later, Harry had found himself on the train to Hogwarts. He had been sitting in a compartment with Ron, and to his delight.Neville. Hermione had just popped her head in, when Harry realized how different she looked. Either her boobs had grown or she was wearing a padded bra.it was most likely the latter because girls don't just start growing at 16. Harry laughed on the inside at Hermione's feeble attempt to be "sexy". What she was wearing was atrocious and even a gay blind man would say "oh Jesus, what is she wearing?".  
  
Hermione was wearing a black mini-skirt and a low cut midriff top. She started babbling, while Ron and Neville looked at her, practically drooling like animals. She dropped her books ("Probably on purpose that little slut" thought Harry") and bent over to pick them up to expose what was definitely not a padded bra. Both Neville and Ron felt that their trousers were becoming a tad bit crowded. Harry noticed Neville's obvious hard-on.  
  
"Dammit" he thought to himself, "Now I'll never have a chance with Neville!" He heard his name in the distance.  
  
"Harry"  
  
"Harry"  
  
"HARRY!"  
  
"What?" He looked up. It was Hermione's ugly face. She made herself look like a billboard for animal testing with all that make up on her face.  
  
"You will never believe my summer!" she said with glee. Of course, like any prostitute, Hermione wasn't crossing her legs, even though she was wearing a skirt, which was an obvious invite or just a really good impression of Madonna. She then began to delve into her summer sex-capades with countless horny teenage boys and grown men. Ron didn't even flinch at the fact that Hermione mentioned how good the Weasley twins were in bed, or that it was, in fact, the best three-way in her life.  
  
Ron began licking his lips like a lonely little fool who never gets laid. He stopped Hermione mid sentence.  
  
"Well, after I shagged Steve-" "Umm, Hermione?" said Ron "Yeah?" Said Hermione looking really pissed she couldn't tell her story.  
  
Ron whispered something in her ear. A mischievous grin took to her face.  
  
"Harry, Neville, could you two clear out for a bit?" asked Hermione.  
  
Harry knew, no doubt that Hermione and Ron were going to get it on (to no ones surprise, seeing as that everyone knew that Hermione had been trying to shag the entire Weasley family. It was actually to Mr. Weasley that Hermione lost her virginity, when Hermione stayed at Ron's house for the Quidditch World Cup). At least he could have more alone time with Neville.  
  
Harry and Neville went to the empty compartment next door, only to press his ear up to the wall between them and Ron and Hermione's mad shagging.  
  
"Wow!" said an amazed Neville. "This is the closest I've been to seeing a naked woman!"  
  
"What about that time when you walked in on your Gran taking a shower?" Said Harry. He knew that would make Neville much less excited.  
  
"That didn't happen!" said Neville with a tone of pain and resent.  
  
Harry decided to make a quick joke. "Hey Neville, is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" grinned Harry. He caught Neville in the act.  
  
"Oh, what? Oh, no that's just a banana!" said Neville. He pulled a banana out of his pocket and began to peel it. Harry knew this was going to turn into a cock tease. Why oh why does Neville have to eat fruit that reminds Harry of his enormous package?  
  
Harry looked away as Neville ate the banana. This was too painful. Then the screams next got so loud, Harry forgot the banana entirely.  
  
The screams stopped and Hermione came into the compartment and slipped on Neville's banana peel. She was on the floor in just her wizard cloak.  
  
"Ha!" she said. " That brings my count to 7 out of 9 Weasley's! I still need to get the Mrs. and Ginny! You should have seen Ron's face! I don't think he'll ever be the same after that bout of completely skanky sex!"  
  
Ron crawled in on all fours like he had been wounded and then passed out.  
  
Harry looked at Hermione inquisitively.  
  
"Hermione, what the fuck happened?" said Harry  
  
"You answered your own question.fuck!" said Hermione "now if you excuse me I have an appointment to see Seamus Finnigan"  
  
Ron got up and he along with Harry stuck their heads out of the compartment and looked at her leave (sort of in the fashion they did in on the movie version of the "chamber of secrets", except Ron still had on his "O" face and Harry wasn't pleased to see that she wasn't petrified. Oh that Chris Columbus and his plucky little moments.) Ron fainted again and Harry knew that this year was gonna suck.  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: The "O" face is in reference to the movie "Office Space" and is not of my own creation, so don't sue me. If you don't know the "o" face then you're screwed.  
  
Will Harry ever get Neville in bed? Does Ron permanently have the "O" face? And will Hermione ever get herpes? Tune in next time, same place, same site for another installment of Harry Potter and The Mission of Life!! 


	3. Voldemort Has A Heart

Disclaimer- Like a hobo, I own nothing  
  
Chapter 3- Voldemort Has a Heart  
  
Lord Voldemort, the most powerful dark wizard of all time, was plotting his next plan to rid the world of filthy mud bloods, much in the likeness of Dr. Evil. He was pacing back and forth muttering to himself.  
  
"Mmm.. Potter.urgh.. hmmm.. what to do?"  
  
"Master?" said Wormtail, Voldemort's somewhat loyal bitch. "You wanted to see me?"  
  
"Yes. As you know, I have been tirelessly working to kill Harry Potter and the rest of those cootie infested mud bloods. But lately, I have come to realize that there is a more threatening group in our midst."  
  
"Yes master?" said Wormtail with a slight tone of delight.  
  
"We need to kill Sean Connery and the rest of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!"  
  
The smile that had been creeping along Wormtail's ugly disfigured face had vanished in a heartbeat.  
  
"Master, I mean not to offend, but that is a movie." said loyal bitch numero uno.  
  
"It is NOT a movie Wormtail! Crucio!"  
  
Wormtail flailed like a Texan inmate that just got the chair. George W. Bush laughs benevolently.  
  
Voldemort pulled out a notepad that looked suspiciously like "Blue's Clues" Handy-dandy Notebook. He looked at his agenda.  
  
Kill Sean Connery and LXG  
  
Kill Eliza Thornberry  
  
He looked at Number 2. It was crucial that girl was dead. Voldemort couldn't trust his panoply of snakes and livestock. They could tell Eliza Thornberry everything. The agenda continued.  
  
Kill Austin Powers  
  
* Get revenge and eventually kill Harry Potter  
  
Make sweet love to Orlando Bloom  
  
Voldemort giggled. He will have Orlando Bloom (girls began to swoon, and Voldemort kills them all). A muggle television was playing in Voldemort's secret lair. Well, actually his lair was the Bat-Cave. He was "borrowing" it from George Clooney. Ever since that sniveling idiot did "Batman and Robin", Clooney decided to permanently live in the Bat-Cave with his young ward/lover/sex slave Robin. Voldemort decided the Bat-Cave was too good to pass up, so he put Clooney under the Imperious Curse. Now the Bat-Cave and Clooney's little man-slut were his! Voldemort giggled again.  
  
The T.V. showed a commercial for that movie "What a Girl Wants" even though it was out months ago and is months away from being released on VHS. Muggles just love to annoy him. He wrote in Number 6 in his Handy-dandy Notebook.  
  
Kill Amanda Bynes  
  
Once again, the muggle T.V. showed a trailer of movie that isn't even in theaters anymore. Damn that Lizzie McGuire. He penciled in Number 7.  
  
Kill Hillary Duff  
  
Voldemort felt like he had written enough down for one day. He was getting writers cramp. He beamed at Number 4 on his list and once again, like the little girl he is, giggled. He had put an asterisk by this particular number so as to fool anyone who looks in his private notebook. "Get revenge and eventually kill" really meant "Kidnap and eventually to the wild thang with". The only way Voldemort could ever find happiness again was to rekindle old love.  
  
Before Voldemort could get into a flashback, he heard the voice of a preschooler.  
  
"Look! A clue!" obviously referring to the blue paw mark on Voldemort's pink Thinking Chair. That dumb ass Joe came into his Bat-Cave and took Voldemort's Handy-dandy Notebook and drew a picture of the Thinking Chair with crayon.  
  
Voldemort was infuriated. Joe looked right into the camera and said  
  
"That means that Blue got knocked up on the thinking chair.all we need to figure out is when and who!"  
  
"JOE! GET OUT OF MY LA-hey that's a good drawing. I mean Avada Kedavra!"  
  
Joe fell to the floor, the preschoolers started crying, and Blue came up to Voldemort and began biting his foot. Voldemort picked up Blue and drop kicked her.  
  
"That damn show." said Voldemort right into the camera. Then he blew it to smithereens and the camera crew left. Clooney forgot to tell him he was share holding with Nick Jr.  
  
Now Voldemort had time for a flashback.Everything will get hazy, like in most flashbacks. Unless Voldemort's been sniffing laughing gas again.  
  
He was at Hogwarts. He had graduated years before that, but he became the creepy guy on campus that parties with everyone but knows he's too old to do that. But he didn't care. He had something to look forward to at Hogwarts. James. This was a happy time in Voldemort's life. Of course, he was still being called Tom, but he didn't mind because it sounded so sweet coming from his one true love. James Potter.  
  
He, Tom Riddle, had been watching James from afar. James had been teasing Severus Snape for the past 72 hours straight.  
  
"God, James really has nothing to do." Tom thought to himself.  
  
Tom called James over. It was time for one of their talks, which almost always ended with hot sex. James saw Tom and ran over, much in the likeness of prissy girls in gym class.  
  
"Too bad James runs like a fricken girl." Tom whispered to himself.  
  
James arrived. He almost ran right into him because James had severe ADD and was distracted by grass.  
  
"Yeah Tom?"  
  
"Can we talk James?"  
  
"Yes, whatever you want, darling."  
  
"James" said Tom in a loving and sensuous voice. He was really bent on getting laid. "I. I. I love you."  
  
" I don't know what to say Tom, except. well I. Tom, you have to move on. I know that you're fun and the sex is mind blowing, but if the guys knew about us." He got distracted by grass again. He snapped out of it quickly though. "I'd get kicked out of our quirky little rule breaking, map making, and transforming little group. Which is why I've been seeing someone else lately."  
  
Jerry Springer popped onto the stage that Tom and James had been talking on.  
  
"Tom, how does that make you feel?" said Springer with a microphone in Tom's face.  
  
"James I can't BEEP believe you! Don't you be dissin' me! Uh-uh! You dirty mutha BEEEEP! BEEP!"  
  
The audience that had been watching started chanting "MAN-WHORE! MAN- WHORE!"  
  
James yelled at the audience "Y'all don't know me! Y'all cant judge me!" and threw a chair into their faces.  
  
When the chair impacted a large POW sign popped up so as to censor the deliberate violence.  
  
James ran to his cheap bitch Lily. He knew that he, now would become Lord Voldemort, and would take over the wizarding world and kill every last Potter there is.  
  
"Well folks, that's our show. Which just goes to show that ." Jerry began his stupid speech at the end of the show that never means anything.  
  
After the haze disappeared and Voldemort stopped sniffing laughing gas, Voldemort was crying. He promised himself he would kill every Potter, but Harry, although a byproduct of that backstabber and little whore, he was so.so. SO DAMN SEXY!  
  
Voldemort knew would have Harry Potter. All to himself.  
  
END  
  
Will Voldemort get Harry? Will he kill Sean Connery? And why does he want to kill Austin Powers? All this and more in the next Chapters of HARRY POTTER AND THE MISSION OF LIFE! 


End file.
